Fear is like salt. Put too much, and the food cannot be eaten. Put too little, the food cannot be enjoyed.
Last winter I spent two months living with my then 16 months old niece and her parents i.e my brother and sister in law in our family home in Delhi. In the two months I observed one of the strategies employed by family members to make the child agree (or rather forcibly agree) is to instill fear of loss. Every time my little niece did not want to eat her food, her care taker would say ‘ eat else I will go away’ . Frantically my little niece would run to her and eat her bites. At times when my niece did not want to go for change of clothes , again the care taker would say ‘ if you don’t listen then I am going’. Poor little niece of mine would then agree to change her clothes. Why am I just blaming her care taker and parents. I too fell into this rut. When I call her mother to do video call and my niece is too busy running around here and there, I would say ‘ Your aunt (meaning I) will put down the phone if you don’t talk to me on the phone’ and my poor little niece would come running to to show her face on the phone.
Ofcourse it is important for the child to eat food, change clothes etc. etc. etc. etc. but is instilling fear of loss the only way to tame a child? Again I am no parent nor do I have parenting experience nor I am I a trained psychologist or therapist. But I do wonder and question sometimes if this is the right way to parent? Is this the only way? I wonder how the child perceives this and how this impacts the development of the child. Do we want child to eat food because of fear of being abandoned? Does the child have to really be made to believe she will be left alone if she doesn’t listen to the elders? We as adults might think this is temporary and child will forget about this as they grow up, but are you sure this fear of abandonment won’t seep deep into the child’s pysche?
I agree some fears need to be instilled in child to protect them. For e.g. my brother and sister in law have taught her to stay away from hot drinks as that can burn her. I think that is a good fear to have at this age. She stays away from tea and coffee – none of us have to warn her now. She has been warned that she will hurt herself if she tries to climb stairs without an adult’s presence with her (as her leg muscles aren’t so developed yet to climb on her own without support)- that is a good fear as that protects her from falling. of course if this fear stays on for years then it will become detrimental to her growth.
As parents or adults with infants growing up around us, I think it is important to question what is good fear and what is bad fear. In my opinion, good fear is what is needed to protect the child from hurt at that point of time, where the benefits outweigh the damage or where you as a parent or caretaker feel this is the only way to protect the baby. However, what I question is instilling fear of abandonment in child just for them to eat their meals or change clothes or listen to parents for other things. Parents have to be careful about how the child’s personality will be impacted in the years to come.
Just a piece as food for thought.
