Is like a bud blossoming…
This has by far been the most difficult thing for me in life. Allowing myself to feel pain. Just the thought of feeling pain makes me feel broken and shattered inside.
One of my oldest ‘avoiding pain’ memories is from when I was about 10 years old. My great grand father had passed away. I saw all my relatives around me crying. However, I just couldn’t cry. I felt nothing. I remember very clearly that even in that moment a brief thought came in my mind -“is something wrong with me?” . Why am I not able to cry when I want to? Reading this you might think of me as a stern or rock hearted person or someone who didn’t care. But look one layer below that- what was stopping me from feeling the pain of loss and letting it out through tears? After 25 years I can reflect on this instance and say that my body had gone in a shut down mode. I had disconnected from my body and emotions in that highly emotional and sad and painful situation. I could not bear loss of a loved one, my body had a auto pilot mode to shut down and not let me feel the pain.
Throughout my teenage years, I hardly remember instances when I had cried. Because I never cried and maintained a stoic face my friends used to think I am a very strong girl.
I remember watching soap operas and being highly disturbed when the lovers were separated by some villain . That was simply not acceptable to me. I remember I used to stop watching shows when lovers got separated because that pain was too much for me to take. When I would go to buy romantic novels, I would flip pages and read the ending first. I needed to make sure the lovers were together at the end for their happy life together, otherwise there was no point in reading and putting myself through trauma. Do you really think I was that strong of a girl 😏?!
When I was in 10th grade my grandfather whom I loved very dearly was diagnosed with cancer. Everyone in my family knew all details. I knew nothing. I never dared to ask about details of treatment or severity of the disease. Because I wanted to believe all would be fine and that he would live immortally. Imagining a world without him was not even on the radar, forget about living a life without his presence in it. Till date actually I don’t know the details like others in my family. My system froze every time I faced my grandfather; I wanted to protect myself from the pain of losing him as much as I could. When he passed away about 10 years ago, my life was in pieces. However, that’s another story for another time.
Fast forward life. I am now married, I am 35. What is really interesting (and saddening) that life creates such situations which give the illusion of loss or separation. During conflicts, my husband’s loud tone or angry look is enough to send my body and mind into a freeze state. I am unable to feel the gravity of the situation and respond. Something is me just disconnects with the situation, myself and my spouse. My mind perceives situation as loss of bond. This happens on auto pilot in split of a second.
Freezing is one the most primitive responses of the brain when it senses fear. In today’s era we are not living in jungles and have animals to be fearful of , but somehow the amygdala (fear center) in brain overpowers the hippocampus (which distinguishes present from past memories) and sends the body in freeze.
It’s the body’s protection mechanism.
The good news is that the very fact I am able to say this means I have started to come out of the freeze. I am now able to observe the freeze. That itself is a long way from where I started.
Now that I am able to come of the freeze,. The next emotion I have to deal with is pain. I want to avoid hearing the blame or criticism or complaint from my husband because I don’t want to feel the pain of possibly having done something detrimental to the relationship. My mind finds excuses and justification for my behavior so that I can relieve myself of the pain of being responsible for even remotely hurting my husband. And obviously you can imagine how this dynamic plays out for our relationship! He feels like I don’t care about his needs. How can I when I am frozen and disconnected with my own emotions and sensations!
However now I have started to be conscious of this loop and auto reactions of the nervous system. I have my regular breathwork and meditation practice to thank for this. Meditation delinks the sensations in body from the thoughts. Over time, it has started to show results. Or maybe Gods are showing mercy on me finally! Still, I have to make conscious effort to face the reality and allow myself to feel the pain until it becomes the ‘new normal’.
Another point to note is that my freezing has nothing to do with my husband. His loud voice or angry look is just a trigger for my system. He is only behaving the way he was feeling in the moment. He wasn’t doing it to put my system in freeze.This is a very crucial realization. Wake up ladies and gentleman if you are holding grudges for your loved ones for your emotional responses! Take responsibility for how you feel- it is related to how your body mind complex processes emotions.
My husband is just being a mirror for me to look inside. Life has given me an opportunity to come face to face with my internal system. It is my chance to grow and come out of the pre wired nervous system responses. I feel thankful that he has chosen to be my mirror consciously or unconsciously or maybe I chose him to be my mirror unconsciously.
And why is it even important to feel the pain? Because you cannot feel love either if you can’t feel pain. Trust me. You cannot live life fully without feeling the pain. It’s not possible to have just day and not night. The existence of peace is dependent on existence of chaos. Opposites are complimentary in life. By feeling the pain you get past it. And what is past it? Its love.
I want to feel pain, the love, the joy, the connection in all my relationships, especially with you spouse. ♥️
